ask monkey - fruitcake legalitise

Dear monkey--

I have heard that the laws regulating fruitcake vary from state to state. For instance, it is rumored that in Kansas it is illegal to transport a fruitcake in a moving vehicle. A "DWF" will land you in the pokey for up to 48 hours for the first offense. I have also heard of people who so load their fruitcakes with high-proof alcohol via ingenious spray or diffusion devices they could possibly be charged with operating their own illegal still in Vermont or Utah.

Can you please provide a synopsis of fruitcake-related laws in the United States of America for those members of your reading public who are conscientious quick bread consumers?

Thank you in advance,

A candied orange peel in Montana.

dear emma,

the supreme court has ruled that each state must legislate their own laws regarding fruitcake procurement and transport. as we have seen from your examples these laws are diverse and complicated, so, if you are interested in handling a fruitcake outside of your own home or transporting either across state line, i suggest that you become take a comprehensive course offered by your local chapter of the international fruitcake council. they offer programs from home fruitcake safety to internationally recognized licensure in the care and handling of fruitcake.

saddly, very little has been done to legislate the tastiness of fruitcakes. many mass produced fruitcakes, despite their promises popularity and worldliness, fall short of the level of scrumptiousness that i believe a fruitcake should possess. just remember, homemade is always the best. second best is fruitcake made by any trappist monks. i don't know about fruitcakes made by nuns, since i have not tasted one... yet.

comestibley yours,

monkey